i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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