I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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