What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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