I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just googled if crying burns calories
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
