dude i'm inner monologue high
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
