My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
id be glad to
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
