I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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