what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
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Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So much rum. So many feels.
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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