My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
