Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
