well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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