they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
