And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
