Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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