dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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