The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
