I'm sorry my penis didn't work
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
