I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the day after is always just damage control
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
