i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
