wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
