Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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