I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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