I hate your face
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
