I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
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I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
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I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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