i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
