I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
smell my finger.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
