Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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