i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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