Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Randomize
