he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
