My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
