Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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