I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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