Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The best revenge is premature balding
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
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The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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