On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
