Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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