i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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