Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Randomize
