I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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