My balls are so social today.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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