I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can feel your judgement through the phone
did i just pee glitter
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
