My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
