there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
