At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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