You smell like a Billy Joel song
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
