shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
