I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How drunk are you?
Completed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
