we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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