you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
