Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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