Just fell off a train. Bad.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
