i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
