shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This house was built for laser tag.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
