Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
