would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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