Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
