My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
