I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
