Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
