I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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