dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
