I think my vagina is haunted
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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